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Thread: Get in here and listen to me rant about my new pet hatred.

  1. #1
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    Get in here and listen to me rant about my new pet hatred.

    Youtube toy reviews. I really, truly, utterly despise them. It's not the bad camerawork. It's not the monotone, bored voices of people who've never left a basement. It is not the aggravatingly chirpy reviewers wishing they were television presenters, but lack of scripting and/or comedic improv. skills holds them painfully back in their attempts to make me smile.

    It's the way they have no idea what to do with the medium they are reviewing in.

    I do not wish to listen to ten minutes of someone describing in painstaking detail the appearance of the toy I can see, plain as day, on the screen in front of me. I do not wish to be told how wonderful the disposable packaging is. I do not wish to have the blurb on the box read to me when I can read it myself. I do not wish to impatiently skip to the end of a 15 minute review before the reviewer finally spins the toy a full 360 degrees, zooms in a bit and names any flaws.

    I want to watch a review. I want to have flaws concisely pointed out to me. I want to know the toy's limitations. I want to hear the reviewer's thoughts on how durable the toy is, or whether it is worth my cash. This takes five minutes at the very most. I am not your friend. I am not a blind orphan who wishes to be told the wonder of articulated plastic.

    It's precisely the problem you get with people who write movie review blogs. You can spot the amateurs in that they will give you a several thousand word plot synopsis rather than a critical evaluation. Blargh.

    Rant over. Go about your business. Making snarky youtube comments on toy reviews, obviously. That's what I plan to do.

    And the WORST BIT IS THAT THEY'RE ALL FRAKKING EIGHT YEAR OLDS.

  2. #2
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    AND ANOTHER THING.

    Wash your bloody hands. Would it kill you? God, get those filthy cheese-puff powdered sausage digits away from those poor figures before you transfer a disease to the next child who stumbles into your room and picks up your Halo Mega bloks with joy only to find them coated in a thin layer of sweat, synthetic cheese and other assorted bodily fluids. It's like some kind of ectoplasmic goo made of liquid self-hatred.

  3. #3
    Headmaster Junior Death's Head's Avatar
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    Gotta be honest, I stuggle to watch Youtube toy reviews. I get bored if they're over five minutes long. A toy is either good or it isn't. If you've got something more to say about it, say it. Something I will be taking on board for my written reviews. You do get stuck in rut and it does become difficult to think of different things to say. Good post. Excellent ranting. Especially the bit about washing your hands. Filthy geeks!

    Superhero? No, you were right all along. Name's Death's Head. I kill people for a living!

  4. #4
    Probably the best administrator in the world SirLagerlot's Avatar
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    I tend to agree. I quite enjoy Timey's and Silverbolts but that's about it.

    Even so, I prefer written reviews, Death's Head's are very good.

  5. #5
    Seeker Starship Bruce's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Matrix View Post
    And the WORST BIT IS THAT THEY'RE ALL FRAKKING EIGHT YEAR OLDS.
    People under 14 should be banned from Youtube. Little 'uns always make trashy, pointless videos... I know from personal experience. I was an 11 year old youtuber... the less said about that the better.

    By the way, I don't watch many toy reviews on youtube- but i've seen some. I found this guy who's reviews were decent- he had a funny one, where he reviewed the old Wheelie toy.

    "Is that a Stalagtite?"
    "Stalagtite hold on tight. Stalagmite might poke you in the ass... from below."

  6. #6
    Probably the best administrator in the world SirLagerlot's Avatar
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    The only Transformers related fan-videos worth watching on youtube are mine!
    All two of them.
    Both well over a year old!

  7. #7
    Seeker Starship Bruce's Avatar
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    I've seen one of your videos... the rant about the Monsterbots.

    "Is that a Stalagtite?"
    "Stalagtite hold on tight. Stalagmite might poke you in the ass... from below."

  8. #8
    Administrator Specimen-17's Avatar
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    Why not make your own reviews?

  9. #9
    Administrator and General Whorebag Time Lord's Avatar
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    I'm eight years old? AWESOME!

    No fear from me for awhile: I'm taking a long break whilst I come up with witty ways of doing this again.

  10. #10
    Dodge This Blaster's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SirLagerlot View Post
    The only Transformers related fan-videos worth watching on youtube are mine!
    All two of them.
    Both well over a year old!
    and do you know what Southerner, I actually understood them ;-) by the way Happy New Year SLL to you and yours, hope you had good one.

    Quote Originally Posted by Specimen-17 View Post
    Why not make your own reviews?
    sounds a plan, then we'd have something to rant about ;-)
    The Autobots will have a new leader in the forthcoming Transformers movie. He can turn in to a bowl of dog food. His name: Winalot Prime.

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