I don’t like to rant on TheTransformers.Net too often, I use other websites for that, but as an adult of increasing age (I was 35 when I last checked, I’m not going to confirm nor deny this age right now) I have tried for many years, probably since I was about 9, to convince someone to make me a Transformers birthday cake one year.

At least 25 birthdays have been and gone since then and, without fail, I have been disappointed. Having just had a search around the Internet I can see countless examples of Transformers birthday cakes, and here is just a sample of some of the Optimus Prime cakes I have found – any one of these would be sufficient for what I’m after.

Some of these cakes look better than others of course, and the quality of the photos helps too, as some look as though they’ve been snapped by a professional food photographer and have come right out of a magazine or cook book, while others are a bit fuzzy. The best one for me is the one with the prime toy sat next to it in cab mode – as this cake is exactly what I want.

My next birthday is next August, where I will be, well, older than I am now shall we say. I trust someone I know is reading this as my birthday always falls around the time of Auto Assembly… so, people from TheTF.Net, you know what you must do.

I shall expect nothing less than an Optimus Prime birthday cake, one which I will no doubt refrain from cutting and attempt to seal it in a box for 20 odd years. Come on Billy, pull yer finger out!

If you’ve ever been to a slightly tacky used car lot, or to a summer fete, or to anywhere where kitsch is the name of the game, then you’ll have seen those jiggling, wobbling, dancing figures that stand seemingly hundreds of feet tall and bounce around in the wind. We’re talking about the dancing inflatable advertising figures, you know the ones.

Anyhow – we wondered if there were ever any Transformers versions of these because, let’s face it, when it comes to figures standing a few hundred feet tall Transformers were made for this. Thankfully, and perhaps surprisingly, there are Transformers inflatable advertising figures – or at least there’s one, that we found anyway.

We found this giant Optimus Prime on a Chinese products website, and he can be made to order – as large as eight metres in height (if you so desire). There’s no pricing information on the website, as you have to enquire about the inflatable Optimus, but he comes with his own pump and a protective crate.

Perhaps the guys at Auto Assembly might consider commissioning a giant, inflatable, Optimus Prime to help promote AA this year?

Before I got distracted by the custom bike and the bikini girls earlier, I was looking for pictures of Transformers branded bikes more for the child’s market. I have now found the sorts of Transformers bikes that I was looking for, although they’re not as visually pleasing as the custom bike earlier.

The reason for this dalliance into kids bikes? This last weekend I found an old picture of myself as a child, about the time that Transformers first came out (early 80s shall we say) sat on a bike, a chopper to be precise. I thought, while I looked at this and, remembering my fondness for Transformers at the time, why didn’t I have a Transformers bike? Why did I have a chopper instead?

The reason? Because there wasn’t a Transformers bike available at the time.

This made me realise just how lucky kids are today that you can get branded bikes for any licence, and Transformers is no exception. I found a few pictures of kids bikes branded with Transformers, including some Transformers quad bikes (just how cool are quad bikes?) and even a set of wheel badges for adult bikes if the desire takes me to get back on two wheels.

Of course, the real problem with Transformers bikes is that they don’t actually transform, unless of course you count the self-assembly aspect to them.

This all makes me wish I was a child again, a feeling that Transformers often invokes within me.

Ask any Transformers fan what they want for Christmas and they’ll all say the same thing ‘a real life size Transformer’ – if they had time to think about it of course. Sadly, there aren’t many opportunities to own a giant hulk of metal that looks cool as hell stood in your garden, scares the neighbours’ pets and answers to the name of Optimus Prime – until now.

A company based in Ireland no less, called RoboSteel, makes 2.5 metre tall versions of Optimus Prime to order! Now you can have the Christmas present of your dreams, so long as you have the €5,500.00 to pay for it.

Optimus Prime is made from totally 100% recycled materials, so you can even persuade your parents, wife or girlfriend that you’re doing your bit for the environment by purchasing a huge chunk of baddass metal for your garden, or front room – if your ceiling is high enough.

As you can see by the photos, Optimus doesn’t just cast an awesome shadow, he even attracts the best looking women around – so he would also be good for your social life. Although, we don’t think RoboSteel guarantee that you’ll attract women who look like this if you bought one, we’re checking their terms and conditions later.

Don’t worry about transport either as you don’t have to try and strap Optimus to the roof of your car. RoboSteel can deliver, even to the USA.

Check out the Optimus Prime here.