September 1984 saw Marvel US release their issue 1 of The Transformers in what was supposed to be a 4 part limited edition run.

“Circling the star Alpha Centauri, ages ago, was a planet unlike any other in the heavens — Cybertron.”

So begins the Transformers comic. [And all you lovers of continuity errors can clutch the description of it being “Saturn-sized” to your hearts…]

Anyway, you probably all know this bit, but… a war breaks out between the peace-loving Autobots and the evil Decepticons, and the powers at play are so intense that the planet is shaken loose from its orbit and sent spinning into the cold void.

The war rages for 1000 years (the fact that a “year” is an inapplicable term for a planet floating through space is irrelevant) until the random course of the planet sent it directly towards an asteroid belt. At a meeting of Autobot elders, Optimus Prime plans to lead a “specially selected group” into space to clear a path through the asteroids, but Decepticon spy Ravage is watching from the shadows.

The Autobots board the Ark (reports remain unconfirmed that they went in two by two) and take off to combat the asteroid threat. Megatron, meanwhile, devises a plan to wait until the Autobots have completed their task, and then destroy them when their resources are depleted. And so it transpires – just as Prime is delivering his typically pompous post-asteroid-annihilation speech about making peace with the enemy, they conveniently choose that precise moment to attack.

With minimal energy reserves, Optimus Prime reveals that he had anticipated the attack and had pre-programmed the Ark on a suicidal heading to the third planet of the solar system (in the unfashionable western spiral arm of the galaxy), where it crashes into a volcanic mountain, taking out the cream of the Autobots but also the Decepticons and their leader, Megatron…

Four million years later, the volcano erupts again and reactivates the Ark’s computer. It sends out a probe to gather data on what it assumes to be the mechanical “lifeforms” inhabiting the planet, to modify the forms of the Transformers present. Issue 1 ends with the Ark’s computer uttering the line: “Commencing revival procedures!”

And so the Transformers are reborn – Megatron accounts for his troops and leaves (also having his first real argument with Starscream) because the Decepticons are still weak, and are not guaranteed of victory in any battle with the newly-resurrected Autobots – and, cryptically, because “one of our mightiest is missing”…

With the departure of Megs and his cronies, Optimus takes stock of his troops. All seem to be present and correct (Mirage, hilariously, seems to have a penchant for hunting Turbo-foxes – just as well he didn’t land in Scotland, he’d have been arrested).

We learn for the first time that the Ark’s computer is called “Aunty”, although presumably the Autobots don’t have to pay a licence fee. Prime realises that there is now life on the planet (although they still think it’s of the mechanical variety), unaware of the Decepticon threat, and pledges to “spare this world from the scourge we have unwittingly unleashed upon it”.

With this we cut to the goings-on of that Transformers constant – the irritating human characters. Local salt-of-the-earth, thick-as-pigshit grease-monkey “Sparkplug” Witwicky and his brainy son Buster [another note for the continuity people] are arguing over Buster always having his nose in a book. The fact that pops has the word “SPARKY” neatly embroidered on his overalls surely renders any arguments he has irrelevant on the basis of mental incompetence, but never mind. Buster goes out to the movies in his dad’s car.

Prowl leads an expedition with Bumblebee, Hound, Brawn, Gears and Cliffjumper to make contact with what they still think are the mechanoids inhabiting the planet. And, in the first truly funny sequence in Transformers history, they witness numerous mechanical beings gathered in front of a giant screen of strange moving images. What Cliffjumper describes as “probably some kind of religious ritual” is, in fact, lots of cars parked at a drive-in movie theatre…

The Autobots decide to make contact, but they’re being watched by Laserbeak, and Megatron immediately orders his troops to destroy the Autobots and prevent any possible alliance between them and the earthlings.

The Autobots enter the car park, passing the cashier (“c’mon, you pay by the head, y’know!”). Bumblebee accidentally bashes Buster’s car from behind, while he’s busy swapping saliva with his girlfriend Jesse. Just then, Starscream, Thundercracker, Soundwave, Laserbeak and Ravage attack, and damage Bumblebee. The other Autobots transform and engage their foes. During the ensuing fight, Prowl finally realises that the mechanical beings are not the sentient lifeforms, but the carbon-based units running like buggery are in fact controlling things.

“What we are seeing is non-machine life, as hard as that may be to accept. That is the only logical explanation,” says Spock (sorry, Prowl), before ordering a withdrawal to confer with Optimus Prime. Prowl decides to abandon Bumblebee to draw the Decepticons’ fire away from the humans…

Meanwhile, Buster finds his way into Bumblebee’s driving seat to steer him away from the battle. On getting him back home, Sparkplug is awakened by the sounds of clanking from the garage. He is initially thrilled that his bookworm son has decided to try to follow in his footsteps and mend a car (while not bothering to wonder where the hell it came from, and what happened to his own car) when the Beetle reveals its identity with a cry of “help me, I’m dying…”

Synopsis by Acid Pellets.